A Millennial’s Guide to Being Pregnant:
“You are doing something not even Oprah could handle: making a baby!”
So your mom grew up with Bonanza and Elvis. Chances are she wore skirts and curled her hair like Jackie O., or smoked Virginia Slims and drank cocktails during pregnancy. Either way, asking mom for advice, a woman who probably couldn’t pick you out of a line-up of baby photos, isn’t going to cut it when it comes to appeasing your modern sensibilities.
As a millennial you have standards for taking care of the precious bun in your oven. You don’t want to drink whiskey, smoke crack or sky dive. And since you can hardly bend over to tie your organic, pleather shoes, that’s probably best. But you wake up in tears and you thought you heard your partner mutter “MOO.” Everyone is staring and your body is the size of a hot air balloon. So how do you stay sane?
The bottom line: This is temporary. This too shall pass, like the nausea in your bikram yoga class. You will, like mom, forget everything except how your water broke or you were induced and then forced to have a C-section and give birth to Jimi Hendrix while two doctors explored your internal organs. Your blood and oxygen-deprived brain is fully committed to keeping you from falling over so a lot of these little scrutinies you experience will fade into a muddy memory of fat girl trousers and kegels.
Just don’t forget to dismiss stresses. Half a beer at your uncle’s BBQ won’t make your baby insane. You WILL like your baby, and your messy life WILL pass, even if the man baby you married goes to Alaska for six months to find himself. Daddy is never going to be pregnant so much of this is on you, but remember, you are doing something not even Oprah could handle: making a baby! Your body feels like a southern buffet counter, but it’s really the envy of Spartan warriors and cyborg ninjas. This is your once-in-a-lifetime waddling experience. Live it up.