An Open Letter To God From A College Senior
The things that are happening should make me happy. I don’t think it’s my anxiety and I don’t think it’s my depression. I’m just so confused and every day seems like a struggle between the person that I once was, the person that I want to become and the person that I am currently. I believe my soul and my body is ever-growing and ever-changing, which are things I can forever be curious about. The curiosity which I have about the world around me is something that I was very uncomfortable with for a while. I dealt with this by drinking away my problems and denying the existence of anything larger than myself. Obviously, I’m writing this and those things have changed.
Even though I feel the presence of love and strength, I, as a person, do not always possess these traits. Sometimes the hatred of things that have happened to me and the hatred of people who put me in situations that damaged my body and my soul it’s something I feel deeply. Hatred is something that I cannot justify, in any part of logic or morality. I know that in logic, hatred means that I’m actually taking a risk of damaging my body. Embitterment can actually damage your heart and other internal organs because of the stress and anger hormones. The moral part of me says that some of these people didn’t even know what they were doing or what I was going through at the time.
Then there’s hatred of myself for being cowardly and not being able to speak up when I needed to, in which I’m paying the price now. I’m the victim of my own thoughts, my own cowardice and my own bitterness. But a very wise woman once said,
Bitterness is like swallowing a poison pill and expecting someone else to die
(Anne Marie Hochhalter, a victim and survivor of the Columbine shooting in a letter to Sue and Tom Klebold). What does this say about me? Will I ever be able to overcome the dirty secrets which created this feeling of bitterness? I hope that in time I find the strength to do so?
Well, I am humble enough to admit there are people in this world who are stronger than me and possibly better people than I am. There are people who have the ability to forgive and move on and think positively. I almost think I fear the positive because my life is so enveloped in darkness. I guess because this dark little corner of the world is comfortable somehow. It feels like home, but it also feels like Hell. I’m an introvert by God’s design but I’m a prisoner of my own design. There is no way I can express the shame I feel for the actions of the person I used to be. I like to think this person is dead and buried somewhere far away from all contact with other living things. I am pretty confident that this person could take the water from all the flowers in her path, and poison all the animals even though she loves them with everything she has. Not knowing what love was for a long time took me to some pretty dark places.
Instead of dealing with my problems, I drank them all away, this leads me to my next point. I’m having difficulty finding work. I want to go back to my former place of employment, at least through the holiday season, to get money for the things I need. Maybe I could buy something nice for each of my furbabies. But if I do work for them again, will I fall back into the same trap? I’ve been trying so hard not to turn to substances when things are difficult, instead of turning to my many books and the many people who want the best for me. My degree in writing makes me happy, but will it pay my bills?
All I can say is that I’m thankful that I have decided to return to the life which my parents tried to raise me. They raised me to be accepting of others, which I am working on. They raised me to have a good work ethic, and now that I’m in a place where I don’t have temptation and where I have the ability to express myself, I’m doing a lot better. And of course they wanted me to have a relationship with you, God, and again I’m trying.
In this moment, I’m generally wondering if I’m strong enough to take on the responsibility of holding myself accountable; to staying sober, being responsible, and being the person who I was meant to be.
When you embark on a new journey, it’s a lot easier to just cut people and things out of your life and act as though they don’t exist. As a former Psychology student, I learned “avoidance conditioning” in my first-year Psychology class. An example I gave was that it’s like when the dentist told me not to drink so much soda, so I went home, and threw the soda away. God, I truly wish the only issue I had in my life these days was drinking too much soda.
I often wonder if I will be a good partner for another person. My physical and mental health issues create a very insecure individual who, while other people tell her she’s outwardly attractive, can’t see that and instead focuses on her many scars and the flaws in her physical appearance. All things that the doctors and tried in vain to fix multiple times. I have also confided in you that my intensely insecure and self-deprecating nature causes me to be rather clean when it comes to relationships. There have been times, although none recent, I will ask you to please convince someone to contact me after they have not for even a short period of time. This is not something I’ve done recently, but a nightly activity in my teenage years.
As an adult, I understand that this behavior is unhealthy. Not only is it showing co-dependency on another person, but if a person has to feel as if they are completely unwanted by another person, that should be clear to them that they could do better.
A year ago I asked you for help in maintaining a relationship which was doomed to failure, and I thank you for allowing me to see that sending me home was the right thing to do, even though I wasn’t ready to hear it. I’m very thankful as I was shown the error of another person’s ways and I was able to see how to treat another person. I believe that this shortcoming in my dating history showed me how to be a better partner and take someone else’s needs into account. I was no stranger to romantic relationships that were abusive, but this seemed to hit me the hardest because I was not expecting it. I thought he was the kind of person I could trust. But when you realize someone has multiple children that they never see and will sleep with your former best friend, you realize that person is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. We both know that this person’s actions worked low within their character but I still doubt myself late at night when I think too much. I blame myself because of that time I burnt dinner or the one time I slept past his alarm.
I wonder if I found someone good this time. We stay up late at night talking about things like politics, the latest books we’re reading and what we want out of life. We better ourselves as people by having a better sense of self and stronger relationships with God and the spirits that we feel are present in our lives. I love these late-night talks and I’m not quite sure what the future holds, and it scares me. I also wonder if I will ever be a parent and if I will be able to carry a child because of my health problems. Will I be able to have a child naturally? And if a tiny person comes into my life, will I be able to play with them? I already know I won’t be able to play soccer with them or teach them to drive. I believe with every fiber of my being that I would if it were in my power to be at their soccer games and worried every time they got behind the wheel, on a snowy day.
All this uncertainty is very scary especially when I feel like everything’s against me. I know that in time it will work out because it always does, but for right now I feel utterly unwanted and useless when it comes to not being able to find work. I feel as though people in positions of power don’t really care to listen to me.
I’m scared to venture out on my own even though it’s all I really want. I want to travel, I want to be in love, I want to have good things in my life that I know I’ve earned and will continue to earn for myself.
The uncertainty is what a normal person will face when they’re graduating college or High School, but it is nothing compared to what I feel I will face. I not only have to deal with what everyone else has to deal with, but I have a lot of other things on my plate, both mentally and physically, which make me feel all the more vulnerable and alone most of the time.
I’m not asking for sympathy I’m just asking for some type of guidance.
Please, God, I need more than I’m able to get on my own and I have been trying so very hard.