A Letter To God From Someone Who’s Down On Their Luck
This is not an easy thing to write. A very large part of me wonders if I’m writing from a place of selfishness rather than from a place a forgiveness, strength, and love, which is where I hope most of my open letters come from. In the past year or so, I revisited many things that I never thought I would until I saw myself doing them. When I was a child, I went to church every Sunday as it was the one thing I really took a lot of pride in. It would be almost a decade before I would find myself asking for your help again.
I am certainly not the person I was two years ago. I quit drinking, I quit smoking and I gave up my toxic friendships and relationships that were mentally and emotionally abusive. I found a new outlet and ways to maintain my self-esteem: Writing is what makes me happy.
When I took a leap of faith back in 2015 and became a writing major, I knew it was going to be difficult to maintain a comfortable lifestyle for myself. I really don’t intend to become the next JK Rowling. Frankly, I’m don’t envy her in the least because everything that happens to her every day can be subject to public scrutiny.
I don’t want to be one of those kinds of people who order the sandwich and then someone has something to say about it because they prefer their BLT with mayonnaise and I prefer mine with mustard. That’s going to be a huge debacle for someone who’s never met me before. But not being a celebrity means you don’t have to deal with that kind of craziness.
I decided I wanted a comfortable life. I wanted a job where I can support myself and engage my passion of writing on a daily basis. The idea of a simple life, with myself some dogs and the child who I dream of adopting seems at this moment to be utterly impossible. For local Independent Living centers, I was on a waiting list to be on another waiting list to get a psych evaluation as well an evaluation to determine my fitness to live independently. I knew that these things were going to be difficult and therefore I needed the help more than ever. I wanted to learn simple things like how to balance a checkbook and how to interact with that poor person that has to drive me around in a taxi cab so I can go to places like the grocery store or the doctor’s office.
I’m not the type to want to live from the parent’s house until the day that themselves or their parents passed away. I genuinely want to get a place of my own where I can build a home and fill it with love. I want nothing more than to give a loving home to animals and children who need someone to take care of them and teach them the ways in which they can be better versions of who they are.
I’ve always believed that life is a game of chance and not everyone wakes up tomorrow. It’s my life ends as it currently is with no real feeling of accomplishment, I don’t know if my soul could ever be at rest.
Growing up, I was always told I was special. That my struggle in life had a purpose and that God wanted me to be here and wouldn’t allow me to struggle alone. I honestly believe in that but I’m wondering if other people want me to be successful in life. It seems like every time something good happens, something comes along and destroys it. I don’t blame others who always treat me as a friend and an equal and I don’t blame God. I blame the system at hand which He designed to destroy any chance that anyone has if they’re on the bottom rung of society, even if it’s not their fault that they happen to be there.
As I’m writing this, I think about the people who rely on places like AIM Independent Living Center to be the best people they can be and to have the things they need so that they can maintain a healthy life. There are people who are hired to work there who were once clients, who without that second chance might not have a successful job, or be able to support themselves and more importantly have a sense of pride in themselves. This is because they plan to close the AIM Independent Living Center.
I know that I am blessed to have family and friends who helped me when I needed them and who have given me a sense of purpose and love in their own way. Not everyone has that kind of support in their life and if they take away the one place that provided them with support, either financially or in other ways, these people are going to lose a lot. I worry about these people all the time because it’s not fair to them to be out of work along with the emotional and financial ups and downs that will bring.
I’m not going to lie, I am frustrated. Two years ago, I went back to school. A few months after that, I swore off drinking. I did that so I could be a better version of myself and be successful in life. I’m not sure what else I have to do to make this work because as hard as I try, someone else is always pushing me back down.
I worry that people I care about at the Independent Living Center will not have food to eat or jobs that they need to support themselves or their families. I am honestly at a complete loss.
I’m concerned, but at this point, I’m not doing what I need to do and no one has shown me how to do the things I need to do. A few weeks ago, I had a meeting with a psychic and for no other reason than my own reassurance, I never had any interactions with this woman before. The weird thing about this encounter was that she seemed to know exactly how I felt. She asked if I felt like my life was going anywhere and if I felt like I was a burden. It took everything I had not to break down in tears, especially when she told me that all of it wasn’t true, and that I was loved and respected by my family and friends. She also told me that I should hang on and my career would be better than I could ever imagine, and if there was a soul that was going to come, the world would be mine.
Again, maybe this is wishful thinking and I can see it right now, I will get hate for even writing this and opening up about what I believe and who I am. There is going to be some “keyboard warrior” out there that’s going to give me hell and then I’m going to feel ashamed for even trying, but I shouldn’t.
I’m not ashamed of who I am and I’m not ashamed what I believe to be my hopes and dreams. I genuinely try not to ask for too much as I’ve always believed that I need to work for the things that I have, but I’m trying and I’m still stuck. The closing of the Independent Living Center means that I and many others will be without valuable resources to succeed in life.
I feel so trapped right now. Honestly, I’m lost. God, please help me be a better person and to be able to help the people whose pain I can feel because I’m living it. I promise I didn’t come this far to let you down.