North Korea: The Greatest Country In The World!
Hello, travelers and welcome to The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea! We are so excited to show you our glorious country and to teach all about our fascinating history. Everything you will learn today is absolutely true and not made up by our government to control our every thought and action! We are told that these are our own thoughts and beliefs!
Please keep your hands and feet to yourself at all times or we will have to abide by the “Three Generations of Punishment” law sending you, your parents and your children to labor camps for the rest of your lives.
Now, sit up straight and enjoy the tour!
The History of Our Leaders
Our first leader was a god name Kim Il-Sung. Time truly began at his birth and that is why we follow the true calendar which begins with his birth. The current year is 106, not 2017.
Kim Jong Il
Kim Jong Il is the son of Kim Il-Sung. He was born atop a mountain under a double rainbow. The moment he was born, one million new stars formed in the sky. Kim Jon Il has always been a supernatural being with great power. He could walk by the time he was only 3 weeks old and spoke fluently by 8 weeks old! It is true because he said so himself! Also, he never once needed to urinate or defecate AND he could control the weather with his mood!
Instead of dying, Kim Jong Il ascended into a higher plane of existence because of his supernatural power. Still, the people wept openly at the loss and if they didn’t, they were imprisoned for not being sad enough. As it should be, I’m told.
Kim Jong Un
Our current leader is Kim Jong Un, the son of the great Kim Jong Il. Kim Jong Un is another superior being who has a many great gifts. He was able to coordinate and perfectly drive a car by the time he was 3 years old.
He is also a famous artist and composer whose work is admired around the world! Not only is Kim Jong Un admired for his talent, he is also the most beloved political figure on Earth!
Any questions? Wow, a lot of hands went up! Oh, I’m being told there is no time for questions. Let us continue…
Some believe that The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is very secretive but, we’re really not. Just ask Kim Jong Un himself and he will tell you what everyone already knows: We are the most loved, powerful, rich and envied country on Earth and everyone wishes that they lived here.
Well, if you wish to live here, let us tell you a bit about our wholesome and beautiful society.
If you will look to your left, you will see the magnificent Ryugyong Hotel. It sits at a stunning 1,000 feet tall with 105 stories. This hotel was a well-known project which cost the government hundreds of millions of dollars to build. Currently, it is unfinished, unfurnished and completely vacant. I’m forced to believe that it was money well spent!
Oh, this is exciting!
If you look over here, you will see the lovely city of Kijong-dong or The Peace Village! It rests at the border of The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and South Korea. It is a beautiful city which houses 200 happy residents and is not at all a propaganda town completely devoid of any human activity.
The city is complete with a school and a hospital which are not decoys to make life in our country appear more ideal than they are. It is a real functioning village and not a ploy to attract farmers to work here.
They are many different types of food in The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. Sometimes, people may come across hard times and are unable to buy the food that they want. But, that’s okay! According to Kim Jong Il, sawdust is an essential source of nutrients which help your immune system and build your strength! It is also a wonderful way to stay full and maintain an attractive figure!
Many people do not realize at human fecal matter is the best resource for manure! Here, we collect our matter and bring it to the farms and fields to be spread among the crops that need to grow. Most countries just get rid of it! What a waste! Kim Jong Il said that this has become popular in farming worldwide and is not at all disgusting! And if Kim Jong Il says that, we must believe that it is true!
There are 28 state approved hair cuts for men and women. There are 10 for men and 18 for women. Who wants to be in control of what they wear on their own head? I’m told I don’t!
If you have not already noticed, each and every home or business has a radio broadcasting a government-operated station. This station is on 24/7. That is because the law states that it cannot be turned off, it can only be turned down. There is nothing quite as comforting as having the voices of the government whispering in your ear every second of your waking life.
There are many laws here that keep us safe, happy and allow us to be the most beloved and envied country in the world.
Many of you are actually breaking one of our laws at this very moment! Wearing blue-jeans is illegal because they are a symbol of American imperialism. After all, the Americans are the ones who started the Korean War. Read any Democratic People’s Republic of Korea history book and it’ll tell you the same!
Please save your questions for the end.
It is a law that all teachers must play the accordion. I think that one is self-explanatory.
Do you like movies? Me, too! My favourite is Pulgasari! It is about a giant reptilian monster that destroys cities! What? Godzilla? That sounds like a cheap knock-off of Pulgasari.
Well, you better not bring that movie in here. Watching movies from other countries is a crime here. It is considered such a serious offense and a slight against our life here that it is punishable by death! That’s not too harsh. I’m told that it’s a suitable punishment.
Now that you’ve been shown around our beautiful and completely free country of The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, are there any questions? Oh, no more time for questions today? We hope you enjoyed your tour. Please feel encouraged to go back to your homes and tell everyone how perfect and wonderful we are. And not how terrifying, tyrannical, oppressed and malnourished we are.