The Typical American Year (to be taken light-heartedly)
To everything there is a time and a season, and in America we do have our yearly expectations. Here’s how I, a typical American, generalize each month of the year. Feel free to comment and add anything I have missed!
January- Work out/be bored/broke/cold/depressed because you are broke from Christmas.
February- Super Bowl/Valentine’s Day/post selfies of date. If single, post selfies and tell people how high your self esteem is. Yes, you don’t need a man/woman to be happy. The rest of the month is boring and full of snow storms if you live in a temperate climate. We hope your power doesn’t go out when you’re off school so you can at least use the internet.
March- St.Patrick’s Day month. Everything is green at Target. Nothing else happens. It’s still cold, even though it’s spring, but you feel it is weird to do winter stuff, especially when you see spring clothes on the racks at the mall. You may find yourself scheduling too many indoor game nights with your buddies because there’s nowhere to go. You hope they just show up at your house because it’s too cold to go outside.
April- Easter. People wearing shorts even though it’s 45 degrees outside. We’ve waited long enough for warm weather! Is it warm yet? No? We don’t care anymore, because Americans hate the cold and are always one step ahead into seasons.
May- It’s finally nice outside! Depression is suddenly gone, Americans come out of their long indoor hibernation. Allergies commence for some, triggering an influx of Claritin stand-up promos at Walmart and Allegra ads on TV. Others start making plans with people for the first time in months, perhaps something outdoorsy like a day at Six Flags or grabbing a yogurt at Sweet Frog. Oh yeah, there’s Mother’s day, the day where you give your mom ONE day off and expect her to do all the housework for you the next 364. Let’s change that– how about you do your part for 365 days a year?
June- School’s out. Yay, it’s summer! Oops, gotta work out again because I need to go to the beach. We fear we didn’t prioritize our time right because 4 days may not be enough time to tone up. Father’s day and high school graduations make this month a happy one full of grilling and lots of grilling gift sets.
July- 4th of July stuff. Cookouts all the time. I hate mowing my lawn. Can I pay someone to mow my lawn? How much did you say? I guess I better mow my own lawn. I hate bugs! But it’s warm! Retail signs everywhere heralding back to school and it makes teachers batty and kids whine and complain… the same kids that are now driving you crazy by now.
August- Back to school shopping/ dread from students, that weird month where no one is excited about summer anymore and are looking forward to cooler weather. Say what? Pumpkin Spice Latte? It’s not time yet!
September- Back to school: parents happy, kids and teachers sad, sometimes we do pumpkin patch stuff, other times we just want it to be cold so we wear flannel and fur boots even when it is 75 degrees outside. Kind of like the shorts in April. It’s the season, people. *puts on scarf*
October- Halloween, but who cares, Christmas stuff is already up. Ladies dress up as sultry versions of normal occupations. Men usually dress up as something like a jar of ketchup or a vampire. But who cares, the Christmas-holics are already decorating their house with elves.
November- Thanksgiving, but who cares, Christmas stuff is already up. Brace yourself for family time. Spend $50 on French cheeses to impress people and order pumpkin spice lattes… no wait, you want the Peppermint Mocha now. Sorry. Didn’t get the memo.
December- Retail Armageddon. Gluttony. I gained 15 pounds somehow… looks like I need to hit the gym when this is all over and when I have nothing to do in January. Man, I’m really broke. I think it’s ramen for me until my next paycheck. I think I need to make a new year’s resolution… how about being a good person and losing 10 pounds before the summer?