The Truth Behind My Loneliness
Today, I became the girl reading a book in a bar. It’s not something I ever saw myself doing… truth be told, I’ve found myself doing more than I ever imagined lately. But that’s the beautiful thing about being alone.
There’s a Kelly Clarkson lyric that goes, “You try to break me but you see, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone“, which has spoken true to me the past couple of months.
You see, I always thought that in relationships, you were supposed to complete each other; that there was supposed to be fire and sparks. I got married young and quickly because the fire was burning. It wasn’t until later that I had realized that fire spreads quickly and destroys everything in its path. I realized recently that after becoming a wife, a mother and a caretaker, I never got the chance to really figure out who I was.
I was lost for a long time. And even though I went to bed next to a man I had convinced myself I loved, I was more lonely than I have ever been before. I had no motivation to do simple daily tasks, nor did I feel appreciated when I did them.
I craved intellectual conversation; hell, I craved any conversation that wasn’t just my toddler telling me she wanted more Goldfish. I craved a sense of touch that wasn’t based off of a sexual need from someone who obviously didn’t love me. I craved to be truly admired… but those things never came.
Then, one day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was lying to myself by believing that I didn’t deserve these things. So today, after what seemed like the longest day of my life, I grabbed one of the few unread books on my shelf and headed out to the bar. As I sipped my drink and flipped through my pages, I barely noticed the strange glares from strangers or whispers from the table beside me.
As I ordered another drink, I stepped out onto the patio to enjoy the breeze. A man stopped me and asked, “What are you reading? I could never read a book at a bar!” I smiled and simply replied,
Well, that’s the difference between you and me.
And that’s the thing. I’m tired of basing my opinions, my actions, my life on what others want to do or want me to do.
Because for this moment, I craved serenity. And hell, I deserve to get what I want.